JYC: December 6

This was a really tough prompt for me.  My best and worse Christmas were the same year and even now I still feel a lot of sadness when I think about it or look at photos from that Christmas.

My journalling reads:

2003 was our best Christmas ever.  After a long and difficult journey to have children, we had been blessed with twins in November of 2003.  We were so excited, to have our new little family.  I had envisioned a peaceful Christmas cocooned in the house just the four of us, bonding.  I didn’t need anything else for Christmas except some special time with our new little family.

 

We had journeyed through a very long and painful process to build our family.  Three Christmases earlier, in 2000, I had been pregnant and miscarried a few days after Christmas.  We had started the IVF process in early 2002 and finally after three attempts we had one successful pregnancy resulting in Cordelia and Curtis, who arrived on November 8, 2003. 

I was looking forward to a Christmas with my new family.  A Christmas to celebrate our triumph over infertility and our gratitude for these wonderful little blessings we’d been given.

As Christmas approached it became clear that the fantasy I had in my head was not going to be my reality.  I was tired, a mom to two new babies, recovering from a C-section, and we had so many people who we felt we couldn’t let down.  Our Christmas suddenly became about keeping everyone else happy, making sure that all the people who wanted to see our babies were accommodated.  Christmas wasn’t about our family at all, I felt like a runaway train, completely out of control of our Christmas plans.  I was too tired to fight the wave of persistent planning and pressure.  I was too naïve and thought someone would see that we needed space and give it to us.   By the time Christmas was finished, I was miserable.  I was angry with everyone for not being considerate of our space and our needs.  I was angry with myself for letting everyone push me around whether it was intentional or not.  I regret this part of our Christmas.

You can see that it was a bittersweet Christmas for me, it was the best Christmas because of the kids and the worse because it wasn’t the Christmas I wished for.

 

Christmas Joy Christmas Regrets

Christmas Joy Christmas Regrets

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~ by evolutionofawoman on December 8, 2008.

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